Ask Lamington Lady • Letters

"Sometimes believing
is all we have."

Ask Lamington Lady -
LL has had more than 20 years experience in serving lamingtons - lamington fingers, lamington cakes, those little round balls that have jam and cream in them but still look a bit like lamingtons... she's done it all and now she's here to help you.

If you have a conundrum or some other 'itch' that vexes you, send your letters to The Lamington Lady for a dose of her own brand of personal advice and recipe for success.

Dear LL

I have a friend of a friend of a friend who has some issues. To provide you with something more tangible we’ll call this person “Nathan” for the sake of the discussion. We believe, well those around Nathan, believe he is suffering a possible gender crisis. I’m told that the condition is commonly know in the medical community as mansuetus ignavus penis or more commonly known as soft cock. Is this a passing phase?

Regards
Concerned

Dear Concerned

We all have 'friends' such as Nathan and I'm glad you're seeking help on 'his' behalf.

I'm curious though, as mansuetus ignavus penis is not normally symptomatic of Gender Identity Disorder, is 'Nathan' Concerned about his mildly lazy, vicariously living mates?

If you're asking me - and by strange coincidence - you are, I believe you're a homophobe and get uncomfortable whenever 'Nathan' polishes his rocket, when he puts vaseline around his ring and when he slides his thrust packed engine into a tight little motor mount.

I recommend that you stop peeking out through the door to that tiny little closet you've been living in all these years, take your own rocket, shove something big with a high initial thrust into it and countdown 'til it blows.

Love
LL

Dear LL

I am a little concerned - my husband spends many hours & many late nights in his shed with his mates talking about length, diameter and how much thrust it has.

I have noticed too that there has been an increase in my shopping budget for items such as vaseline, surgical gloves and baby wipes. Should I be worried? What should I do to regain his interest in me and our marital bed? I miss my Monday nights.

Bewildered

Dear Bewildered

If I could reach through the screen and slap you: I would.

Stop whining like a little bitch and grow some kahones. If you spent more time taking drinks out to your man and his mates rather than cowering in the house like an insipid old spinster you'd see him more often now wouldn't you? Think, woman. Think!

Love
LL

Dear LL

My BF wants me to introduce some spice into our sex life. He is suggesting insertions of rocket shaped items.

I'm worried that the epoxy will cause a rash and can you suggest appropriate lubrication?

I am eager to please.

Anxious

Dear Anxious

dryGlide Your BF's right, unless you're into necrophilia, no one wants a dead root.

I'm glad to see your enthusiasm in improving your situation in this matter - You are on your way to being a truely considerate partner. There's not many of us out there that understand the pain and suffering that our beau's go through when they cannot actively participate in the discussion with their mates of how their partners go off in the sack.

I recommend you start with the 29mm hardware first and then work you way up from there. Before too long, 38mm and then even the 54mm won't be an issue. A light application of Dry Glide before each session should see you right.

Don't get greedy though, a real lady knows when to stop - If you can take the 75mm or even the 98mm hardware, you'll need to face reality: you've gone too far and you're just a dirty skank.

Love
LL

Disclaimer:
Lamington Lady, CGN Group, CGN Rocketry, Sky God Rockets and anybody else even remotely connected with the internet or other forms of modern or traditional communication can not be held responsible for the stupidity of individuals highlighted as a result of any advice given or inferred but blame should instead be placed squarely on the shoulders of those dumbasses that raised said individual and who probably shouldn't have reproduced in the first place.